Changing Blogs

I've been thinking. (Scary, I know.)

I think I'm going to switch blogs; move to my "Adventures in Writing" blog and use that one for my everyday blog. Originally it was meant as my blog for writing, but I think I will simply use it as my blog for everything. It's got better options (like a great blogroll on the side that I can't put on this one) and it's accessible on Internet Explorer as well.

So to anyone who might read this and wants to read further, switch over to
http://writingrollercoaster.blogspot.com/

Ciao! xo

No blog for Internet Explorer

Nope. Doesn't work.

Very strange and it's really too bad.

Do I switch blogs? Start all over? Not sure what to do here...

Testing

People have told me that they are unable to read my blog when they use Internet Explorer. So I'm creating this post using IE and I will see if it will then make my blog visible using IE.

Let's see....

It's a point-form day:

A shot of the creek running through Rendezvous Rupert
(where I work)

• It is still a waiting game for my friend's son. He is still unconscious; we are praying SO hard for him...
• I feel like I've been having a PMS week, though it's not PMS; it's simply crankiness.
• I have to drive into the city this evening and I would really prefer not to...it's really too bad I wasn't in the mood to go out with friends, as tonight would be the perfect night for it.
  
• I have 2 articles due tomorrow--This afternoon I finally sat down and wrote them (more or less). Now I just have to fix them up before sending them off at 3pm.
• My body wants to MOVE (ie: mow grass or stack wood) and DO NOTHING (ie: lie in the hammock and read or sleep) simultaneously.
• I'm fighting sluggish feelings of self-loathing these days; I'm well aware that they're what my friend calls "Chucky" - my inner 'censor' coming out to get me! Must...not...allow...
• Realizing how much peace I get whenever I take time to just 'be' with my cats or dogs. Eckhart Tolle would be proud.
• Looking forward to AND dreading my son's birthday party next week. God help me.
• Feeling sadness surrounding the upcoming changes to my son's life--he's going to be attending a different school next year and will be living with me on weekends instead of during the week. It's best for him, but scary for both of us nonetheless.
• Just learned that my dear friend Danny Everitt will be opening for Paul Overstreet next week. Yay Danny!
• I really wish I could somehow wiggle out of driving to the city tonight...
  

How Scary Life Is

Today I have had one of those in-your-face reminders about how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away from any of us at any moment in time for any number of reasons.

My friend's 17 year-old son is in a coma right now after his heart stopped on Monday night. No reason. No drugs. No idea. I've just learned about this this morning and I am not entirely sure what to make of it or what to do, though I can do 3 things:

1) Pray for my friend's son, for her and for her wife
2) Offer support to my friend and her wife; let them know I care and I'm praying for them all
3) Hold my son extremely close to me

There is not a whole lot more to say at this time.

Peace.

On Feeling Content

The past several weeks have been tumultuous for me: a breakup, a death in the family, a tricky and emotional walk into my past, and (the least important, but still valuable in terms of learning) a fair-weathered friend ignoring me, proving just how fair-weathered he really is.

Through all of this, I have been absorbing some wisdom. I realize some of it will swing in and out of my life, causing the need to relearn it all over again; some of it will stay with me (let's hope)!

So...I'm learning/RElearning:

- to never, ever assume that others have the same standards as I do, with regards to basic respect
- to keep my standards high regarding those in my life - I will never "settle" regarding friends or lovers
- I have phenomenal friends and I'm also finding the friend in myself again--all of this is very, very good
- that when the right guy comes along, there will be little effort and there will be no red flags...
- that being on my own is truly what I need right now anyway (and I am good with that again)
- that everything happens for a reason
- to take more time to read again--I will never allow anyone to come between my books and me
- to stay solid and grounded within myself--make my overall health my #1 priority...My son is #2 (pretty much tied with #1 in most ways, however)...but without my health I am no good to anyone
- how to be in the present
- to take more quiet time to myself--time where I'm not listening to music, watching TV or even reading; time when I'm not worrying or fretting; time to simply watching the leaves quiver on the branches and to watch the ants crawl in and out of their homes
- that no one will ever be able to make me happy; that's my job and my job only
- that feeling gratitude for fabulous friends and good health is key to feeling content
- that I'm one of the luckiest, most blessed so-and-sos on this earth

The Benefits to Living in Paradise

Last night I had to duck out to the village for a bit and on my way home, just down my road, I was compelled to stop the car and take some pictures of the glorious, yet haunting fog that covered the fields...

Respect: Is it a relative term?

Is respect really relative?

I had made a coffee date with someone for tonight--someone I've sort of known in a very surface kind of way for a couple of years, but we finally got it together to make plans to go out for coffee tonight. We made the plans about a week ago, though we hadn't solidified the "where" and we just said we'd figure that out later in the week. But I emailed him Friday and again Sunday, and I've heard no word. I don't have his number, though if he has access to email, he has mine.

I sent him a last email this morning, simply saying that I found it strange that he hasn't answered my emails, though I realize he might have a good reason for that...

Ultimately, I'm not sure what to think, but I think he could have at the VERY least gotten in touch to tell me he can't go--even if just a bullshit answer.

It seems I see people a certain way, ie: I expect a certain level of behaviour from them. I am still open to hearing that perhaps something stopped him from being able to contact me, but I'm skeptical and I wonder if he simply has cold feet or if something in particular changed his mind. Either way, a response would be hugely appreciated. He had all weekend to contact me. It's Monday morning and....nothing.

This is an extremely polite, kind, respectful guy, so I am honestly at a loss as to how he could just ignore my emails like that. And even if he never got them, he could have initiated some kind of contact with me to solidify the plans...

Very odd, indeed.

I'm left feeling a tad bewildered. This was simply a friendly date and not a big, huge DATE, so ultimately, it's really not a huge deal. But I won't lie--I can't help but wonder how I keep being WRONG about people. I don't think I'm expecting too much from them; I don't think my expectations are over-the-top by any means. Just asking for a little respect. And knowing this guy the way I do, I'm still surprised--He strikes me as VERY respectful. Respectful, but incredibly shy.

If he's just too damn shy, then obviously, too bad for him.
If he lacks respect, then too bad for him.
If has forgotten and just hasn't checked his email in days, then once again, too bad for him.
If something has happened this weekend--ie: he has a good excuse--then I can understand. I'm an understanding chick. But I'm learning more every day, just how important it is to expect respect from the people in my life...it's really not too much to ask for, is it??

Dads Cry Too

It's 6 p.m. as I sit down to write. The dying tree outside my window still stands proud in the sunshine. I have a martini sitting next to me; my first in a couple of weeks, and I can't help but feel it is well-earned.

Today has been interesting...

I woke up early to work on some articles that were due this afternoon. It wasn't fun, but I fixed myself some strawberries and some tea, to help alleviate the stress that was flowing through me. After writing for a little while, it was time to shower and get ready for a very difficult funeral. (Not that funerals are ever particularly fun or easy.)

While driving down the highway toward the church, I blasted some Anna Nalick, Billy Joel and a version of "American Pie." I reluctantly turned my stereo off as I pulled into the parking lot by the church. Deep breath. I can do this, I thought.

I searched out my ex-husband's bald head and found him gathered among a group of family members. I greeted everyone as you do at funerals and then asked, "Where's my doodlebug?" A cousin pointed my son out sitting under a tree with a cousin of his.

I walked toward the two little blond boys sitting in the grass--one in a suit; the other in a lovely coloured striped shirt. How nice that Tyler dressed in a suit for the occasion, I thought. But as I crept up to the two boys, I realized it was my son in a suit--and tie! I couldn't help myself as I gushed about how phenomenal he looked! I'd never seen my son in a suit before. Wow!

After I got over the shock of seeing my son so completely decked out, I followed everyone into the church. The funeral was for my ex-husband's grandma--also known as "Gamma" and though she was 91 and ready to "go" it was still one of the hardest funerals I've ever attended. (And I have attended a couple of doozies in my life!)

I sat in a pew just behind my brother-in-law and his kids--in fact, one of his girls has a baby and I have to say that I stayed in that church today because of that beautiful little baby. I struggled through this funeral from the moment I walked into the church. The last time I set foot in this church was the day we buried my dear, lovely sister-in-law at the age of 33--about 8 years ago. Aside from that, even, today was a twisted kind of time travel wrapped in the present for me. I sat surrounded by people who were once my family. These were all people related to my ex-husband and to "Gamma"...most of whom I hadn't seen since my ex-husband and I split up 5 years ago.

So he sat with his wife and our son, in the front of the church, while I sat alone mid-way back. Two pews behind me sat my ex-father-in-law, the only family member with whom I truly clashed. (And boy, did we clash!) Seeing him was not exactly exciting for me today.

At the end of it all, I left that church feeling like a fish that couldn't wait to get back into the ocean. I breathed in a gigantic breath of air as I filed out with the rest of the crowd and searched out my son.

His second mom (she prefers that over "step mom" and I'm very cool with that) and I did a little photo shoot with my son and his father--one of the only times we will ever get the two in suits and ties! She took pictures of all of us; I took pictures of all of them...it was a very touching family moment, actually.

I knew I couldn't tolerate sticking around for the luncheon, and fortunately, I had my deadline at 3:00 to meet, so it gave me an extra excuse to duck out after the service. (Though I really remained honest with the people who mattered and simply told them I had had enough.) My ex-husband allowed our son to return home with me to hang out for awhile so he wouldn't have to do the "crowd thing"--he's an introvert like his dad.

Driving home from the funeral, my son began to cry for the first time all day. One of the things he said to me was, "Mom, that's the first time I ever saw Dad cry."

We sat quietly in the car for a few minutes and I simply said, "It's hard, seeing your dad cry, isn't it?" He nodded.

I said, "But it's okay. Dads cry, too, sometimes."

All-in-all, today was tough for many people. But it was a day we knew would come. And yet, somehow, in this case, it just doesn't seem to make that any easier.

Rest in peace, Gamma. You have a family who loves you more than you'll ever know...

Turned the Corner

Yay! I've turned the corner and I've arrived on the other side feeling a lot more grounded and content again. A lot of that has to do with allowing myself to cry and to be sad, as well as having so many wonderful friends with big shoulders (hopefully now drying up from my tears). It's so important to honour our feelings; to allow ourselves to feel sad when we're sad or to feel angry when we're angry. This way, once it passes, it truly passes and you can let go of that sadness and anger (and/or one of the other dozens of emotions zooming through your veins).

It is now Saturday morning. The sun is beaming down on my face as I type this. A friend once told me that having my desk situated as it is, is bad feng shui. Personally, I'm not much a a stickler for feng shui -- ok, more like I'm not a stickler at all for feng shui. So I haven't moved my desk. So far the only complaint I have is that some days it is very bright. But I'm facing east and so the sun doesn't shine through this window all day, so I rather enjoy it when it does.

I am on a tight deadline for some articles I am writing--and while writing them, I realize:

a) I suck at writing.
b) I'm damn hard on myself.

I realize at times that I can't write well. (But then I realize that every writer in the world feels this sometimes.) I mean, I am having real trouble writing something that is both informative and interesting. On top of that, sometimes when I'm writing, it's just so painful trying to get it down on the screen/paper in the first place. (I like to write the old fashioned way sometimes.)

Then I think about something I learned from Lynda Barry, who taught the first--and by far, the best--writing workshop I ever took*: Don't worry about it! Just write! Don't let your censor take over!

My censor has taken over the steering wheel and has locked me in the trunk.

So right now, my best defense is to read and do morning pages--and, frankly, to saturate myself in both.

Hopefully I can wriggle my way out of the bloody trunk and give that fucking censor a boot in the ass and leave him by the curb whimpering...

+++++

* I am struggling BIG time to even find the right word here, as "took" is definitely not it. This is what I'm talking about...I am struggling, here! And my great big red book of synonyms, "The Synonym Finder" is not even helping me with this one. Uugh.

Still yacking about it...

I don't want every blog entry to be about what's going on in me as I go through this little "grieving" period...and yet it's my blog and I can write what I want, Dammit! :)

I realized something today...I have 3 issues going on, the least of which is my sadness for having broken up with him. I'm still having a hard time getting past the way he presented this decision to me--I still can't quite comprehend how he thought that was a good idea. And that ties into the other thing: I'm starting to realize that by treating me with such lack of respect, I'm actually unsure I even want to be friends with him. And realizing/admitting that is just making me more sad.

If he had made the effort to sit down in the same room with me and tell me everything he did in the email (he has no energy for a relationship right now, etc.), and tell me we need to go our separate ways, it'd still hurt and I'd still have a cry, but I would also respect him and want to hold onto our friendship--even if it meant taking a break to recalibrate a change in our dynamics. But as it stands right now, I'm really not sure I feel that way. He did something I didn't think he was capable of and I am left wondering about everything he has done and said since the day we met. THAT is a rotten feeling; to suddenly question everything you felt so certain about. I mean, I felt so certain about his feelings for me when he looked into my eyes, or held me in his arms, or snuggled up into mine.

So if I had been given the opportunity for a proper, personal breakup, I am certain I would feel a desire to stay in each other's lives, as we'd said to each other all along. But it's looking less and less like that will happen. Sad, isn't it? I do, fortunately, believe wholeheartedly that everything happens for a reason and I also have faith that we are not meant to continue being lovers. I can deal with and accept those facts. But I feel I am left with a lack of closure because there was no personal connection when he broke up with me, and in any ensuing phone calls, he was in a real hurry to get off the phone.

And through everything, I feel for the guy....I really do. I feel lots of compassion for him because I feel he is extremely confused and truly doesn't have the time or energy to have a girlfriend right now; I know he struggles with anxiety and, I'm thinking, perhaps even a touch of depression these days--both of which can cause a person to shut down temporarily. I realize there are all kinds of possible explanations and it certainly would be nice to privy to one or to some.

I don't expect he will ever initiate talking to me in person; I don't think he has it in him or maybe he simply doesn't care enough to follow through with something he started. This entire fiasco (illusion?) of the past 7 weeks have been something that has brought about every emotion possible, and I'm ready to lay it to rest. I am well aware that I am stronger for having gone through this; that I have made it through unbelievably worse (stuff that makes this look like a little merry-go-round ride). But one thing I've learned along my journey is to honour your feelings; to not try to force them away, because giving them life helps you cleanse and to truly get through it. I don't want to be asking WHY? in a month or more. I want to be asking, "WHY did it take me more than a bloody week to get through this?" But then I forgive myself for being human and having a little love and compassion in my heart.

I was asked out on a date on Monday an I would like to go, though I was clear that I am in need of a little more time to allow my bruised heart to heel a bit more. It's ok, it's just not exactly quite at the "I honestly don't care" stage.

I think he thinks I have every intention to be friends with him when I'm "over him" and when we were talking about the possibility of ending things (before he made it official on email last week), I felt a certain sense of acceptance about that, knowing that we had a solid friendship base in the mean time--a pretty decent safety net for if thigs don't work out on the other level.

Now it feels like the safety net is gone, even. And I think losing his friendship has been probably the most disappointing aspect to this.

If you're reading, and I doubt you are, but if you are, it would be nice to sit in the same room for a bit and get a chance to actually talk about everything face-to-face...not in order to try to patch things up; I think that's a lost cause. But in order to possibly right some misunderstandings; to get some closure for both of us, and to listen and to talk the way we did so well for those weeks together. It would be the right thing to do. And you owe it to me. And yet, it would be fascinating to be a fly on the wall of my skull, to hear the things I'm thinking about that, namely that you would never initiate that. I think you're content to wash your hands of me and of everything remotely connected to me. And if I'm wrong, then a one-on-one conversation might just help clarify that.

I have been told my my therapist that I'm doing well with this, and she's impressed by the way I'm handling this (even that stupid call I made to him on Friday night--not smart). She reiterated that there are tools and ways for me to deal with sadness and to also work to separate my problems from his.

I'm learning...and I'll get it. I know I will.

Growth Schmowth

I've decided that this point in my life is about some growth. Clearly I was in need of some, as I'm feeling a little knocked around by a few things lately. I'm coping and managing and trying to accept that not everything is meant to be understood. I don't want to be a victim about all of this, either, so I must keep my eye on that ball. I do feel like a fool; like I had the wool pulled over my eyes, and that feels pretty rotten. But I do know that he did not do that intentionally, and that is what keeps me from being angry. I hope that one day we can actually talk about this all...maybe he can help me to understand at some point why this happened the way it did. Or maybe it simply won't matter to me either way...

I am beginning to think that having a partner is simply not good for me, for my balance or for my grounding. But deep down I know that that isn't necessarily the case. When it's the right person, we will grow together. In the mean time, I look forward to getting back to that grounded, happy-to-be-alone Erin that I had really come to enjoy spending time with only a few weeks back. I can't be that far off--I'm sure I'm just around the corner, even.

Sad Sunday

I am hoping this has been one of those cathartic weekends. Friday night was a night of Jess-a-tinis in the hot tub under a practically full moon; Saturday was about recovering from Friday night, but also just allowing myself to be quiet, to rest, to cry, to laugh at dumb sitcoms. Then Saturday night I slept almost 12 hours.

And today, Sunday, I caught up on a bit of laundry and some dishes, then made my way to the computer to get some writing done. During writing breaks, I did some finishing touches on my son's new room, plus began moving all of the crap out of the bathroom (clearly, not literal "crap", but rather anything in the bathroom that isn't nailed to a wall). Ed will be refinishing my bathroom over the next few weeks, so the first step is for me to clean 'er out. Almost done. Will do the rest tomorrow.

It's been a fairly quiet day...the phone rang maybe once. I haven't really cried today, but I haven't really smiled much, either. It's odd to know that I am still feeling very sad--and, for the first time in a very long time, I'm even feeling lonely. Odd, isn't it? I haven't felt lonely in a very long time--perhaps months. Before I met him, I was feeling quiet content to be alone. Lonely wasn't something I was feeling at all! But today, I have felt pangs of loneliness. When it comes, I just tell myself that that is what it is; I hug my cat a little tighter and then I feel a little calmer again.

How is it that I can feel lonely with regards to a man I didn't know existed about less than 2 months ago?? Because being in his arms felt that good. And when something that good crashes into us, we want to hold onto it. It's probably not what Eckhart Tolle would agree with, but it's my reality at the moment.

In my mind, I see him as moving onward, with the "Erin" part of his past simply a little glitch in his world. Not something he thinks much about, because his focus is on work issues and partying issues. I'm actually not angry at him (though I was for a day or two); rather, I think that he could have chosen a better way to go about talking to me about this. I am the one who opened the conversation and said that I get the feeling he's just not into having a girlfriend at the moment. And then I reiterated to him that he can take the time he needs to figure things out. But a half an hour after that, he emailed me that we will go our separate ways and that was it. I was floored. He thought he was doing me a favour, since he was feeling pressured to make a decision, but somehow he forgot the whole part about me TELLING him that I didn't mean to put any pressure on him and for him to take the time he needs to muddle through things.

I'm sad still, though. I'm sad that I didn't get a proper face-to-face conversation with him. I'm sad that something that came to mean something to me, clearly meant very little to him--even though his energy, his spirit and his words all spelled out that he was into me as much as I was into him. I'm sad that we won't get a chance to go to the Jazz Festival this summer. I'm sad for him, because I thought we had a pretty good connection and now we aren't even talking. But then I wonder if he even notices or cares that I'm not around. I want him to lie in bed at night and wish I was there with him sometimes. But that's my ego screaming because it got rejected.

In a true, pure mode, I can honestly say that I want him to be happy; that I want him to find his way. I agree with him, that he doesn't have the energy for a relationship right now...but on a selfish level, I wished he had figured that out before we had so many lovely, close times together.

I am sad but I will be just fine. My heart is bruised; it is not broken. My smile is faded, but I have faith that it will start to come back to life one of these days when I wake up and feel a touch stronger and more grounded. Until then, I'll just do my writing, my reading, my leaning on friends, playing games of UNO and Clue with my son, and going for hikes in the woods. I will continue to contemplate, as I know that there are some important lessons in all of this for me...I don't ever want to grow a cold, waxy heart. These are the kinds of situations that can turn loving human beings into cold ones; afraid of getting hurt, so they keep their hearts locked up in kryptonite and don't let anyone near them. But sex! Oh sex, they have PLENTY of time for...but forget ever getting close to someone; to caring about them...

Ok, the cynical me has wormed its way out onto my blog. But that's ok. It's a small part of me that I haven't completely obliterated--she just comes and checks in every now an again. She reminds me of what kinds of cynical and snide remarks I'm still capable of.

[Back in your bottle, cyn...you've blurted out enough crap for tonight!]

It's time for that sleep thing. Sleep will see me through this time.

My heart and I will be just fine. I think what has hurt the most is that I never got to say goodbye. Everything was done on email and phone, and I realize that there was nothing personal about our goodbye. I will always be sad that I never got to hug him goodbye, for the last time I did hug him, I actually thought I'd see him again...

Let's keep the drama for the TV screen!

So I've decided that somehow, somewhere along the way, I have allowed too much drama and chaos to slip into my mind and into my world. Of course, some of that is simply due to the sadness I am feeling from breaking up and from Gamma's death. But it's more than that. It's like some kind of vault opened up in me this past week that is full of drama and madness, and I allowed it to dance off into the night with me.

Now, after a day of sleeping and watching movies and sitcoms with my cat snoring in my arms, I'm coming to realize that I don't want it the way it is. It doesn't feel good. I don't feel good.

There are other things going on as well, that I don't wish to get into on the blog, but suffice it to say that it's amazing how quickly I have marched back into old ways and old habits--particularly socially speaking. And I have to pay close attention to ensuring I don't get carried away. I think the next couple of weeks will be fairly quiet for me. I have a somewhat social Tuesday on the horizon, but I am willing to pull out of anything that is planned, if I feel I'd better off to just do something on my own.

It is almost 10:30 p.m. on a Saturday night and I am sitting in the dark at my desk. It feels pretty cool to do so. Darkness brings quiet. Unless, of course, you're at a bush party in the dark, dancing like banshees by a humongeous bonfire...then darkness will be filled with lots of singing and dancing and loud, drunk people. But aside from that, darkness does tend to bring peace, even if it is simply the illusion of peace. Tonight it's bringing some peace to my life. Particularly since I'm making this conscious effort to weed the drama and chaos out. And when doing so, the first thing I did was to turn my phone down. I turned my other phone off; but the one in the kitchen is set to a low ringer, as I don't want to be awakened by it. The second thing was to write a letter out to my friend, as a way of trying to make sense of it all. In other words, I used her like a journal. Ah, but I'm sure she still loves me on some level!

Then I did some Facebook maintenance. I will not all-out cancel my account (though it's what I actually want to do), because I need to keep an eye on the two Schapelle Corby groups I oversee. But I can check into those every 1 or 2 weeks. I don't need all the other stuff (aka CRAP)....it just adds more useless information to my head. And we've all discovered (ok I'VE discovered) that there is a limited space for any kind of stuff, so the usless kind has to be booted out of my little mind.

On Being Grateful

A hurting heart is a good time for extra reflection. My heart got hurt a couple of times this week. Hurt but not broken. I've had a few stings this week that need some TLC, but not a cast. I also find that my anger and hurt is (surprisingly) quickly being replaced by compassion and maybe a hint of understanding.

I happen to be in the middle of reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, and it definitely has some wise, eye-opening things to say, especially about anger and negativity. It's helpful. Very helpful. I also find that every time we go through something difficult--whether it is a breakup, a death, an illness, or simply a sprained ankle--we have choices. We can wallow in self-pity and anger (and don't get me wrong...I think it's normal to touch on anger and self-pity for a bit), or we can step outside of the situation and look at it from a different perspective. Because no matter what is going on in the world; no matter how personal, public, difficult, horrible, fun, heartbreaking, or calming, there are always more perspectives than our own. Always. And even just trying to understand these other perspectives helps take the edge off of what's going on in our own world.

I am also learning that as much as I hate to see people hurting--even if they are masking their hurt with a cold heart or simple denial--I can't take responsibility for others' sadness. It's in my nature to want to reach out and just do something to make it better. But that isn't the way it works. Especially if they don't want the "help".

I realize I'm all over the place here. Bear with me.

When I go through difficult stuff, I feel like I'm in a cocoon and that I will soon come out of it in a different place--feeling stronger and perhaps even happier/more content. I feel sad today, but I also feel somewhat grounded and, dare I say, content. I know there is a difference between being content and being happy. They are not synonymous, though we often use them as if they are. Or at least they're not synonymous in my world.

To me, "happy" is an almost superficial thing--not in a bad way, but still not in a deep way.
"Content" means being at peace with yourself on a much deeper level. A certain calmness comes with being content. And an acceptance. An acceptance of ourself and of life--the good and the bad. We all know that we would LOVE to feel GREAT all the time. But most of us know that that is just not possible, nor is it ideal, actually. We can appreciate the good times so much more when we have experienced tough times. The tough times build wisdom and character, as long as you are open to seeing things that way.

My best friend Léa was killed 13 years ago when she was hit by a car while riding her bike to work. Words just can't describe the pain of losing your best friend in the world. Especially when she is the first person close to you who dies. It took rivers of tears and warehouses worth of tissues, as well as I-don't-even-know-how-many hours of therapy and journaling, to reach a point where I could think about my sweet Léa without bawling. I believe that everything happens for a reason (or many reasons), and losing Léa was a true test to that belief. If I could say that there was something positive that came out of that loss for me, it would be that I have gratitude for my loved ones that I would not have if I hadn't lost my Léa.

I love many people--and with gusto. It's about quality, not quantity. But I happen to have both, which is just what it is.

I am going to go lie in the hammock and read for a bit.